Feeling Like a Heathen
You might not figure from reading this blog, but I'm actually a catechumen of the Roman Catholic Church. I have been since January or so. Basically what that means is that I'm not a formally confirmed Catholic but I'm officially in a program to become one. I'm not baptized and won't be until Easter of next year.
It's not something I really get into on this blog since this is mainly where I get into subjects and feelings I have no where else to express. And I do have a website that's more dedicated to religious themes.
Most of the time it's all great. My mentality is improved. I have a better quality of life mentally. I enjoy my new religion very much.
But sometimes I can't escape that I don't feel like I belong among the people. You can take a look at things I was saying and doing just a year ago, and I was an atheist, a nihilist, a moral relativist. That's what I've been for 24 years.
I didn't forget what it's like to view the world that way overnight. I will never forget. I will never be easily scandalized the way people who have been in the church their whole life can be sometimes.
I'm a barbarian. I feel like no matter how knowledgable I become on the theology and familiar with the rituals, people can always see through me and know that I don't belong.
Not that I'm saying Christ would not accept me.
But I think it's possible that the people who follow him never will. I feel like they only do the motions they're supposed to do but they are secretly disgusted by me.
These thoughts are from the enemy.
Saint Nicholas the Pilgrim, pray for me.